What is Love #4

On Being Whole

It was about 10 days ago when someone went into a club and murdered a bunch of gay people. No one is talking about it anymore. That was it. It’s all over.

It was also my father’s birthday. I don’t talk to him much because on the one hand I love him, he is kind and funny and smart and generous and community oriented and caring. On the other he believes gay people are going to hell and there’s not much he can do about it. He would never want someone to go into a nightclub with a gun. He just doesn’t know that you can’t say that homosexuality is a sin against God without someone going into a nightclub with a gun. One does not exist without the other. I don’t talk to him about this. I guess you could say I don’t show up with him. I guess you could say I don’t love him. Even if I do.

I have expected to die for being who I am for most of my life. It does not frighten me. I don’t even think about it. You have to be at peace with death in order to be free. I am lucky. I am loved. I am in danger. I am alone. These are the contradictions of life.

I often think about getting a dog. My ex-wife periodically sends me posts from the local animal shelter. I feel like this is the one for you she says. And when I make some excuse about how I travel too much, she says I’ll babysit.

Of course I am terrified of getting a dog. Terrified of loving, being attached, being needed. Terrified of needing, of being left, terrified of being alone, more alone…