On Touch

Other Times I Am Afraid To Touch

Part four of a four-part series about…touch?

Other times I am afraid to touch. It reveals too much, unlocks too many things. Other times I am afraid to touch because I know that the amount of care I truly need, desire, hope for, dream of, may not be available to me in your touch, or in anyone’s touch. No one can provide it. It is too much. And over the course of my life, I have learned that it is much easier to want nothing than to want too much.

Other times I am afraid to touch because I wonder if you feel the same way, that my touch cannot give you all that you need, all that you desire, and that my touch will only remind you of my shortcomings and disappoint you. It is hard for me to explain the deep and crushing experience I have inside me when I feel like I have disappointed someone that I wanted to please or care for. It overtakes my senses. I cannot sleep. My heart aches, my stomach churns. My body reacts as if it is facing physical harm. I am weakened and disoriented.

For much of my life this meant that I tried in many ways to operate alone and within the net of safety. I tried to be present with you but untouchable. I tried to be loving but not vulnerable. I tried to meet your needs without even acknowledging the existence of mine. I tried to be perfect while also being protected. I tried not to need anything from you.